Eating

So for awhile now I have struggled with finding the balance between knowing who I am in Christ and dieting/working out. Just to be honest so you understand where I am coming from I will tell you that I struggled with anorexia when I was in high school. I don't know if there is a medical diagnosis for it, but personally I would say I had it. I would go all day long without eating then eat a small dinner. It was an obsession to look the way I wanted as a dancer. Like many other women I struggle with comparison and wanting look a certain way. After coming to know that God finds me beautiful no matter what I look like, I began a journey of wondering how I balance that thought and the thought that I wanted to live a healthier lifestyle.

After marrying Ryan I gained a significant amount of weight. For a long time dieting or working out would become short stint things for me because I would easily become focused on the wrong things. I would feed myself lies that if I looked a certain way Ryan would love me more. I would tell myself if you can lose x amount then you will be pretty. I would become obsessed with losing weight for all the wrong reasons. I came to the realization that at least for a season I needed to not think about dieting and working out and instead focus on who I had always been and currently was in Christ.

Right before we moved here I started going to the gym and trying to eat healthier. I believe that without establishing who I was in Christ before this I would never be successful. Not long after moving here though, the whole struggle was put on the back burner for a season while I was pregnant with the twins. So now the twins are 5 months. I have been working out pretty regularly and now am starting to make a complete lifestyle change in how I eat. I want to be able to take the best care of my body. I want to be able to do everything that God asks of me. I think to be able to do that I need to be healthy.

Lets face it. As much as it hurts to say it I am obese. The important part in that statement to me is that my health is going to be limited and deteriorated by that fact. Being obese makes it hard for me to dance. It limits my ability to express what I want to express to God and to others. It also limits my ability to be a wife and a mother. I want to be able to show my children the truth about God's standards for health. I want to be a role model to them. Being the meal maker in our house I feel somewhat responsible for how Ryan eats. Though he is not overweight I know I can help him to have a healthier heart and to live a longer fuller life. I don't want my children to struggle with a mother whose life was limited because she lacked self control when she eats. I want to be able to fast and not think about whether I am losing weight. I know that sounds crazy. But fasting is a struggle for me, not because I want to eat, but more because I let the thought creep into my mind that it could be an opportunity to justify unhealthy dieting. I don't want that thought to be with me. I say that it has no place in my life. I know that even if I never get healthy that God could bless me with a miraculous healing of losing weight, but I don't think that is where He is taking me. I think He wants me to be a conqueror and an over-comer in this situation. He wants me to seek His strength to stay focused on that goal. I want to be in constant communication with God on how to be healthy and what His standard is for my health.

So pray for me. Pray that I stay focused. Pray that if I slip God will show me immediately that my focus has changed.

....God I pray that I can live a healthy life. I pray that you be the standard of my health. I pray that I never set up a standard that is not of you. I pray that you give me strength God. If you ask me to lay it all down God I will. Lord please protect me from the comments of others. Please do not let me take pride in what people say I look like. I want nothing to do with the flesh tie of another persons thoughts. Lord there is nothing for me in their thoughts of how I look whether that be them thinking I look good or look bad. Lord YOU be my standard. All I need is you...

All I need is you. All I need is you Lord, is you Lord. All I need is you...